Where Are We Now?

It's been a while since I last posted, but it's time to do an update on how I am travelling and where I am at in my mental struggle through life!

So since my past post, I have been in a good state of mind (for the most part). I still have the anxiety attacks, panic attacks and days of feeling down, but they are less frequent which is really good, but recently they have been coming more often! Since COVID-19 came about, its been a bit harder but I'm trying to get through this, just the same as everyone else.

So until recently, work was great! Loved working and having something to look forward too, then that was all taken away! Panic attack number 1, what was going to happen? How was I going to support myself? How was I going to make sure I didn't get stuck in a rut.

Then I was amazing! I met this girl, and wow is she incredible or what! The smile on this girl is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, her laugh is so infectious, I get lost looking into her eyes, and I cant get her out of my head! I honestly want to spend countless amounts of time with her because wen I'm with her, I feel safe and happy. But this is where I get stuck, this is where all my insecurities come to light! We both decided we would take things slow and just see what happens between us, both needing to work on ourselves. What's my instant reaction though? "How am I going to fuck this up?" which scares me, gives me another anxiety attack and makes me worry and question that I'm clearly not good enough. Like, she in just one in a billion and I have real feelings for her and will drop anything for this girl, but I'm so scared that she will find someone better, or realise I'm just not good enough for her, that scares the fuck out of me!

I know that I shouldn't be worrying or anything, but I do! I get so scared that everyone I like finds someone better because that's always what happens! And yes, she's different to everyone else, but these preconceived idea's in my head send me into this fucking spiral I keep getting stuck in!